Clinton Door

Saturday, November 23, 2013

In the Beginning.....

So, it is probably the fall of 1957. There is this couple who have the new baby that is four months old...which would be around October 1957. The holidays are on the brink of beginning. I would imagine this happening in December, with all the Christmas festivities shining. The test comes back positive...yep, there is going to be another baby born into this household! WHAT??? So says the mama.... I do not want another baby! I have a four month old with three other children! What am I going to do?? This mama was not a happy camper! So this daddy heard the last he was going to hear about her "woe is me" words. So, he conjured up something that made that mama mad and she changed her resolve. A visit to the doctor within the next month, after scheming with the doctor, there was a plan that would shake her up. This husband handed to his wife money to take care of this pregnancy she didn't want. She was shocked, she was angry and threw the money back to both the doctor and her husband. I feel sure there were some choice words that were thrown as well. So, here I sit, the rest is history and I am thankful for a mama this was pro-life!

I did not know this story until I was an adult. I often wondered if she made it up...but who would make such a story up! And I also remembered growing up hearing that I was not planned, I was hoped to be a boy, I was found on the doorstep to you don't look like anyone, are you really ours? Imagine what this did to this ole girl! There was always laughter associated with those words, but words like that didn't bring laughter to me on the inside.

I have heard through a few family members, I wasn't held much. Mama was tired, there was so much going on in our family. Because of this, I have zero pictures of me when I was an infant but I do have a picture when I was two.... I look a little waif-ish:) but it is one of my favorite pictures. I will share this in my next post as there is a story that goes along with that picture, that believe it or not I remember! 

Even as a young child, I always questioned my place in this family and my place in this world. It was years later that I discovered Psalm 139

13 For you created my inmost being;
     you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

Praise be to God!!! He knew me before I was ever born...He thought of me before anyone else even knew I was going to exist! He has a plan for my life! Yes and Amen!!!

A Story to Tell

I have a story to tell. We all have a story to tell. Today, I will begin the story of my life. I am not sure how transparent I will be. The story I will tell is God's story of my life. How He took me out of a broken home and gave me a home I can call my own. The journey from the beginning has brought me much pain and has brought me to a place of surrender. 

Today, God called me to a time of sitting still before him. I am sitting in the house all alone...Buddy is gone to a football game....our sons are living their lives in another town...the two dogs are visiting the spa:) aka, the kennel. It has been a l...o...n...g time since I have sat still enough to listen. To listen to what God is speaking to my heart. It has been a sweet time and one that has brought tears. 

So here goes a little transparency: I live most of my life feeling not just inadequate, but feeling alone. It is like my past continues to invade my mind and I can sit there long enough that I fall into a deep pit. I told my friend, Andi, I had lost my giddy up go. I feel emotionless, empty, alone and that my life moves in automation. I ask myself why? I have so much in front of me and in my life. And what is it that keeps taking me back there? I am not 100% sure --- I do know this very thorn in my flesh keeps me calling out to God. And one other thing I do know is that my God never leaves nor forsakes me. It is these times that I fall before Him, calling out His name to step in and be my strength. He shows up every time...because He was there all the time:) Thankful for that. I believe His Word is "God inspired"...that His Word is Truth. I believe: "God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's Word is alive and active in me". (Thank you Beth Moore for putting this so eloquently). 

Having said the above... I know it hard for some to believe I have these feelings of inadequacies and loneliness. But I am here to tell you as long as any of us have breath, we all feel this in some fashion. Unfortunately, these two things have invaded my life off/on and at times leaves me incapacitated yet still moving through life. I learned how to hide my feelings (or so think I do)... it was my way of survival. The thoughts I have as I move through this life I call mine can be pretty scary and hilarious at the same time, but is for this I have Jesus!  

Please understand this blog is not meant to invoke anything but what God has done and continues to do in my life. Heck, I am not even sure who or if anyone will stumble upon this! It's all in the hands of my Lord.  

My prayer is that this story of mine may bring someone else to a place of healing and surrender.